1. I wrote my blog post on our fish and how I had become rather notorious for killing all of them until my friend, Michael, swept in and pretty much saved them from surefire death. Well, two things I must confess: one, soon after posting that article, our asshole fish, Chris Paul, took it upon himself to eat D Wade’s tail. Once he accomplished that feat of cannibalism, he proceeded to push D Wade around the tank like some crazed psycho. I pulled D Wade out of there and let him die in peace; and two, we now have a ten gallon tank with quite a few fish. I don’t even know how this happened. Actually, I do, but I had nothing to do with it. The Kid and The Husband took it upon themselves to purchase it and the extra fish.
2. Have you seen this shot of JLo? Hot damn – and I’m not even a JLo fan, but WOW. And I’m not talking about the obvious, that thing you think I’m talking about but I swear I’m not, although now that I glimpse down at it, yeah, it’s kind of perfect. And I know it’s photoshopped, but whatever. Even with photoshop, I don’t have an ass like that. But I digress. What I’m really talking about is everything else in this picture: her eyes, that stare, the freaking perfect ponytail (god, that thing is gorgeous), her shoulder, her back. Girlfriend is 45. I swear she’s aging backwards. I want some of whatever she’s having because she looks divine.
3. My kids are awesome and hilarious. Don’t even think yours are funnier because I’m pretty certain they are not.
4. I have a fish named Django. Needless to say, he is all kinds of awesome.
5. Doesn’t this look like Dev? She’s gorgeous and lives in my fish tank. [That’s the asshole cannibal fish, Chris Paul. He’s pretty, too, but he’s a total dick.]
6. Here’s my jam of the last two weeks – do not tell The Husband I’ve been enjoying a little R&B. I’ll never hear the end of it.
7. My friend, Dave Bruno, and I play Words with Friends all the time. He is the only person I play it with and for the record, he kicks my ass 98% of the time. But it’s the only place I catch him, so I continue to endure his weekly beatings. And trust when I say, they are epic.
8. In case you didn’t know, Reese Witherspoon has wacky hand moves, not quite jazz hands, but then again, maybe
9. The Husband has started using the word “bitches” in the same fashion I do. And I know imitation is the highest form of flattery and all that shit, but uh-uh. I’m going to have to tell him that word, when used in said fashion, is all mine. Even The Stepdaughter credits me when she uses it. He’s going to have to stop it. Now.
And on that note, there is only one thing left to say: