To Cleanse Or Not To Cleanse?


Every year I say I’m going to do a cleanse and then January 1st rolls around and I conveniently pretend I’ve never even heard the word “cleanse” before and go about my business much the same as always. But this year, thanks to the power of Facebook, I was kind of suckered into it.

A friend posted a cleanse she was doing and I, like a fool, commented that I’d like to try it but was not sure about not chewing for three days. Then two other friends said they would do it as well, another friend told me not chewing (because isn’t that essentially what cleansing is? Not chewing!) my food for three days was totally doable and before I knew it, I was cleansing.

I took my reluctant ass down to the grocery store, spent about a hundred bucks on ingredients (being healthy is expensive as shit!) and Monday night, blended up my breakfast and lunch. Admittedly, breakfast looked kind of yummy…lunch…eh.

Fast forward to Tuesday, when my smoothies never defrosted (I froze them – no way I’m drinking warm veggies…barf) and I’m sitting at my desk, suffering from a caffeine headache and starving. By late lunch time, the breakfast smoothie was drinkable, so I downed that sucker in like ten seconds. Honestly, by that point, after hitting the gym and no coffee, I was ready to do some serious damage. That damn smoothie defrosted just in time.

Tuesday dinner was really Tuesday lunch. That drink that was “eh”. It defrosted and let’s just say I wish I never tasted that thing. By the end of it, my gag reflex was completely engaged and I was convinced I had just ingested a meadow.

Needless to say, Wednesday I tweaked shit.

Breakfast smoothie was a go since it’s edible. Lunch became a salad of raw veggies, some olive oil and red wine vinegar. Perhaps that’s cheating, but seems pretty reasonable to me. For dinner, I tried the dinner smoothie and much to my surprise – since it’s full of kale, which I’m convinced is exactly the ingredient that led me to believe I was devouring five acres of pastureland – it was delicious. The mixture of kale, fruit, coconut water and cayenne pepper hit all the right spots for me.

Or else, after that lunch of green shit anything was tasty. Either way, suddenly the cleanse seemed doable.

Oh! And on day two, I managed to make it without coffee, which is major for this chick. I cannot think of a time I’ve given up coffee. I even drank that shit when I was pregnant! I do not play with my coffee. You might take my smokes, but you’re not touching my coffee. But I digress.

Anyway, yesterday was day three and I have to admit, I was feeling good – light, healthy, powerful – but also a little loopy. At one point in the morning, I walked into the pantry on my floor, which was full of other people, all of them getting coffee and tea and going about their business in the very professional, tight-assed way lawyers do (myself not included, because I always seem to have some random joke or nonsensical story to tell someone), and asked them who was cooking bacon.


Oh yeah, I was smelling bacon. They all laughed and told me to stop cleansing. Ain’t no bacon cooking on the 27th floor of Paul Weiss.

But otherwise, the day was fine and I happily drank that yummy smoothie for dinner and proceeded to tell Henry and Sydney that I think I’m going to feel weird returning to the world of chewers. Henry gave some story about how he’s going to give up meat three days a week (Sydney and I both know he’s full of shit) and Sydney looked at me like I have three heads, then asked me to make her a smoothie.

The worst part of all of this, that green, shitty lunch smoothie not included, was not drinking coffee and then when I did drink coffee, because you know I totally cheated on the coffee part and drank a cup, feeling guilty about drinking the coffee and LOVING it.

Otherwise, I feel really good, have great energy and in fact, feel clean. And that’s without taking all the suggested supplements that make you totally shit your brains out all day. I wasn’t feeling like being “that girl” at work, so I said no thanks to the supps and stuck with the fruits and veggies. And I think I’m going to do a modified version of this cleanse at least once a week. It just seems so healthy to get rid of all the crap here and there, literally and figuratively.

[By the way, pardon all the references to shitting and crap. As I recently told a friend, certain things bring out the five year old boy in me and taking a shit is at the top of that list.]

Now that I’m all fresh and clean, pour me a nice, big Glenlivet.


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